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Innermostly

Where an introvert resides

Dear Mind #613

“Both safety and the escape resides in places just like this. Places where you can lose yourself, be it with or within your own mind and heart. The freedom and the act of providing it, is both a tremendous blessing and service to the community at large.”

The trick is being smart enough to survive, thrive and keep providing for the community as a whole. And yet still get something out of it to the point where you’re motivated to keep going (for you). Because what is life without creation? Without mirroring his own creation? Without both the intent and motivation to begin again? *chuckles at rhythmic self* And there I go again, asking questions with no clear answer. I do that a lot apparently. *ponders this for a moment* And it’s not that I, as a creator, have to creator or else I’ll die. But that the feeling of remaining stagnant in all of this, the great river of life…is most distressing to me. As if there is earth beneath the rocks and a heated core beneath the earth. Just waiting to be explored. 

The purpose…is apparent. Each layer represents something. It’s easy to say and more difficult to explain, the how and why behind the search for meaning within most everything. Because I want to be the way I perceive myself to potentially be. But align myself with someone else to be misrepresented? NO SIRREE. That will make me run for the creative hills more quickly than a copyright claim will disable your Linkin Park audio track on YouTube. Which is why I say that originality is everything. The desire to create when you want, whenever you want and at whatever pace you want. Take away the freedom to walk away and perhaps, indentured servant hood (to yourself mind you) can be just around the corner. Jingling keys as always.

The image of which (of course) makes me laugh at the thought. But it’s so very true. Nothing diminishes the desire to create like constraints set upon your own self by the mind. The realization that the canvas isn’t big enough to continue on and that the representation will not be exactly as you had wished and imagined. Perhaps this is a structured artists folly.

I find that these are the common fears which keep people from trying and have kept me out of my own creative game for so long. Not realizing of course that no featured work was ever born on a first draft. But that time is needed to craft all masterpieces. Because the worst critic ever is forever within you. And Lord knows you should never let him (or her) speak more than once or twice a day.

It’s important to note that I’m neither running towards nor away from the confusion at present. There’s no guarantee that anyone will ever read, nor certainty that this resonance will ever reverberate elsewhere. Which is fine dearest mind. Because what book that was written for money ever meant anything of consequence to the author who penned it? You’ve always known this truth to be true…that anything done out of duty or requirement loses both joy and value almost immediately. If you can bless someone else of course, that’s different. But don’t forget where you’ve come from or what your work really means.

Second guess yourself much? Oh shut up dearest mind. Stop trying to undermine (or undermind) the man known as me. For that I will break from you.

Truth and peace.        

 

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Dear Desire #344

Try not to be so caught up in the format and the orderliness therein. To grow you must be comfortable with what is incomplete.

Think about it… The popular is popular because it is. The value was there long before the popularity. It’s not self serving when it is rooted in truth and justice. And I mean real truth and justice…the kind which is earned due to the inherent good of the thing. The continual discovery is to be admired and appreciated. *gets on soapbox once more* Don’t be afraid of change and growth. Change is the act of polishing your shoes. The original good is good forever. Don’t let the dirt and grime of the city (or country streets for that matter) keep you from seeing the goodness you possess.

Tattoo this on self, nobody is perfect. So celebrate the imperfections in yourself most of all. Let go of the demanding self-imposed guidelines and simply let it be. Let it breathe. And when you feel called to leave just hit the delete key. There’s always one of those. And come to think of it, is dissociation such a bad thing? I think not. It’s OK to move on from things that are small. Even if you are movements are from one thing to the next. The movement is fine. There’s nothing wrong with being the version of yourself which needs to breathe. God created us for breath and for peace of mind. So don’t question it….as the Err tends to say. Welcome all comers who ask it of you. To speak your mind (humbly) and share your observed and meditated truth. That’s what writers do after all.

But enough about them, why not talk about you? Or are you too afraid to be associated with this? The continual observation that you’re not growing as quickly as you feel you ought to be? *laughs at self* What a joke that is. To think that you, as a human being somehow have a say in how quickly you grow and change. By all means we think that we do. But the truth I see in my own life is that I’m my best advocate and also my most tremendous roadblock. Telling the world that I’m a certain way, when in reality I am like fruit salad in a bowl to be spilled (a mix of things).

Most imperfect is the human who tries to seek perfection in his external world. Stacking the cards up in preparation for the next earthquake. Kick the table again and see what happens. *stalling out* Is burnout a thing? Or just a state of mind? I ask it of you. You tell me dearest friend of mine. Do the words run more dry at the end of the book, when the author is sick and tired of the plot? Or is the coffee just as rich at the bottom of the pot? I mean regardless of the grounds…is the work worth the grind? Or is the grind the very reason why its perceived as work? *laughs at self* Look at me asking without waiting for the answer. Isn’t it funny how the human mind works at times.

I’ve been thinking about this today…how everyone wants the end result. How we all admire the sacrifices and are envious of the other persons end result. And yet the sacrifice of so many others could never be the best path for us. Due to our uniqueness we all have desires. But some will never come to be, just as some will change and morph into a different form of truth. We admire those who commit themselves to a path we never could see ourselves trodding. And yet I (because I dare not say WE) have the audacity to say I could if I wanted to.

Haha! The arrogance to think “I would like” when really just observing the end result of another persons life spent cultivating a certain kind of garden. Why not step back and appreciate this? All ends, all results which can be seen. Like the daily work. The dust in the corners. Those dedicated soles and souls which walk the same path to work each week. To think about such things is most interesting to me.

But until then…

Take care of yourself and be free.

Dear Self #957

You know what Mr. Self…

It’s not that you hate people. Perhaps, it’s just that you’re too intelligent for your own good sometimes. You just write things off as truth and fact without first considering that the unknown could be a good thing for you. That change and growth is almost always A GOOD THING. You limit good things in your own life without even knowing it. I mean I want to thank God for God, and for the good things that he has thrust into my life. Because if it were up to me…I would probably never grow or change or learn much of anything. The discomfort is a good thing, dearest Self. A necessity for finding the next pair of shoes you will one day fit into. Don’t think less of yourself just for overthinking things. Just think less about what could be and more about the tools which are currently sitting there right in front of you.

How will you know what is you and what is the ideal if you don’t bloody well test the ideal? Try walking it out and see if the shoe still fits for you. And if it’s uncomfortable…let it go and try on another. Because just as trying to do and grow is good for you, so is trying to let go of old things and old feelings. How else would you be able to make room for them? Can a computer operate well if the C: Drive is slammed full of files? NO! You know it can’t. That deadwood forest must burn off a few trees in order to get back to the root of it all. Fire isn’t always a bad thing so long as it doesn’t totally mangle, mutilate or (potentially) kill you.

Sometimes you have to let go of whatever you’re holding onto in order to have the arm space needed to HOLD UP the new stuff that’s coming down the line. Is a mind ever truly stagnant? Is your body ever not growing and/or dying? I mean at least in some way…growth plates be darned, only PVS and death are the end of all things (such as brain waves, etc.). Even then it depends on the person and the situation. The will of God and his desire. *sighs at self* I know it feels like a loop dear self, to be stuck in this way. But not all who do (and act on things) are successful at what they do. And not all who think deeply are actually wise. Your sources matter and the mentality you hold and subscribe to EACH and EVERY DAY will impact your personhood accordingly. You mold yourself into the person who you would like to be. And that, as the modern day Gandalf would say, is an encouraging thought.

To be lost in thought, is not to be lost at all. Because you haven’t left the building. It’s like being on a mountain but still digging downward. Are you no longer on the mountain or are you now one with it? Undermining it by mining it? By digging down to the bedrock and beyond? Will you know more as a result? Well I would certainly hope so. But if not then your attitude should still be, no problem. Because the act of questioning life in the first place is what makes life more interesting and thus more enjoyable.

One page a week is what I’m going to be shooting for, but if I feel inspired in between…who knows if I’ll stop myself from expounding more. Because I’m not a rebel when it comes to social norms. I’m a rebel in regards to the parameters which I seem to set for myself, within my own mind. Telling myself to wait or to not, is a certain way to determine that I’ll be focused on that limitation which I’ve set for myself. To be so orderly and yet so creative is a contradiction of tremendous size. Which evokes much laughter from both God and myself. It’s hilarious really if you ever get to see me. The inner workings, etc. How I love the rain and all of its faults. Because what blessing doesn’t also come with a side dish of flooding and turmoil? Only one perhaps…and that gift of his is to be appreciated.

On that note dear self,

Be well.

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